My husband and I started our relationship in a long-distance relationship. In the beginning, we were on video calls for hours and chatted about everything that happened in our lives. One of our main habits was to read together. We read the scriptures together and prayed together, but besides that, we always had a book that we studied together.
When got married and moved together it was easier to keep this habit. But after our son was born this habit started to seem very difficult. To find the time, get the right entertainment for our little one so we both can concentrate a few minutes to each other.
Because this is very important to us we keep trying to do that.
We choose books that help us to be closer to each other, to help improve our relationship or help us to learn more about parenting and parenthood.
One of my favourites is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman.
It starts a little too American, meaning that the guy building up his trust and saying how much time he spent on research and how many years he has been on the field. But when he starts to speak about the details we feel this book is gold for keeping a marriage and learning to go through tough times.
“Marriage is a journey that requires nurturing, patience, and commitment. If you’re feeling distant from your partner, these seven principles offer a roadmap to rekindle the love and companionship you both cherish.”
1. Enhance Your Love Maps
Explain the idea of “Love Maps” as an understanding of each other’s inner world—their likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. It’s about being aware of each other’s lives, building empathy, and keeping each other’s inner world close.
Actionable Tip: Try spending 10 minutes a day asking your partner open-ended questions about their day, goals, or something meaningful to them. It helps rebuild connection and shows genuine interest in each other’s lives.
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
This principle involves remembering the positive aspects of your partner and cherishing their good qualities. Fondness and admiration create a buffer against resentment and contempt.
Actionable Tip: Create a gratitude journal together where you each write down things you appreciate about each other. Small, thoughtful gestures like this can reignite affection and respect.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Small moments of emotional connection, such as listening, being responsive, and spending time together, build a foundation of trust. Gottman calls these “bids for connection”—they are the little things that build intimacy over time.
Actionable Tip: Make it a point to acknowledge and respond to your partner’s attempts at connecting, even if it’s something small. This shows attentiveness and deepens emotional closeness.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
This principle emphasizes respect, mutual influence, and cooperation in decision-making. When couples are willing to listen to and consider each other’s opinions, it fosters a sense of partnership.
Actionable Tip: When faced with a disagreement, try actively listening to your partner’s perspective. Make sure they feel heard before you express your viewpoint. Compromise when possible, and approach decisions as a team.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
All marriages have solvable and perpetual conflicts. Solvable problems can be addressed with effective communication, respect, and compromise. Gottman provides specific steps for resolving issues: soft startup, repair attempts, soothing oneself, and compromise.
Actionable Tip: Practice using a gentle approach when bringing up issues. Rather than accusing or blaming, start with “I feel…” statements, which helps reduce defensiveness and promotes constructive conversation.
6. Overcome Gridlock
Some conflicts are ongoing because they’re tied to deeper personal dreams, values, or identity. Gridlock can cause bitterness, but Gottman encourages couples to discuss these perpetual issues with empathy and openness, aiming for understanding rather than a final resolution.
Actionable Tip: If a recurring disagreement arises, consider each other’s dreams and why this issue matters deeply to both of you. Often, empathy alone can ease the tension and make space for peaceful co-existence with these differences.
7. Create Shared Meaning
The final principle revolves around creating a shared purpose, goals, and values. By developing shared goals and rituals—whether it’s weekly date nights, family traditions, or shared projects—you can build a legacy together.
Actionable Tip: Talk with your partner about shared dreams for the future. Think about values you want to instill in your family, traditions you want to start, or adventures you want to take together. Aligning on these dreams gives you a sense of purpose.
In the journey of marriage, there will be seasons of closeness and times of distance, moments of harmony and periods of challenge. These ups and downs are a natural part of sharing a life with another person. But with conscious effort, patience, and the right tools, couples can strengthen their bond and rediscover the joy in each other.
Dr. Gottman’s seven principles offer a roadmap for nurturing a resilient, loving partnership. They remind us that connection isn’t a destination—it’s an ongoing process that flourishes with attention and care. By practicing these principles, couples can turn toward one another, building trust, deepening intimacy, and creating shared meaning in their lives.
Remember, marriage is a lifelong commitment to growing together, and every step taken toward understanding and supporting each other brings you closer. With love, respect, and a dedication to each other, you can create a marriage that not only endures but thrives, allowing you to walk through life hand-in-hand, now and always.
“No relationship is perfect, but with understanding, patience, and dedication, love can grow even stronger. These principles offer a path to rediscovering each other and creating a marriage that is fulfilling, resilient, and filled with joy.”
Looking to bring more joy, understanding, and connection into your marriage?
Discover Couples Connection Corner on Benable—a handpicked collection of activities, resources, and ideas designed to help couples reconnect, communicate better, and build a strong foundation of love.
Whether it’s through date night ideas, communication exercises, or simply finding new ways to enjoy each other’s company, this curated list provides everything you need to make your relationship a top priority. Take a moment to invest in your love—explore Couples Connection Corner today and let the journey back to each other begin! 💖